Parenting: Toddlers

As I left my 2-year-old with his friend and her mom, my mind was filled with worry. This would be his first play date without me, and I was unsure how he'd behave. Would he jump on their furniture? Write on their walls? Throw a screaming fit when he wasn't given the snack he desired? I hoped that he had enough self-discipline to control himself while I was away.

Self-discipline, the ability to discipline oneself, is the goal of all discipline methods and plans. It is what gives children the ability to think about what they are going to do and make correct choices.

Whether it's at a play date, preschool or a visit to Grandma's, a child's self-discipline is tested the minute his parents are out of sight. In order to ease your mind and guide your child down the right path, use these expert tips to encourage self-discipline in your child.

1. Teach internal control.
Many parents use rewards and punishments to help their children behave, but children need more than this to learn to do the right thing. In fact, rewards and punishments often defeat the purpose because they require outside factors to control behavior. When parents dole out discipline in this way, their children learn to think in terms of, "Don't get caught," or "What's in it for me?" They don't learn to consider right from wrong and make good decisions.

One way to teach internal control is by changing the way we speak with our children. Dr. Susan Fletcher, a licensed psychologist in private practice in Dallas, Texas, suggests that parents alter their dialogue slightly to focus on internal things rather than external. For example, say, "Aren't you proud of yourself?" instead of "I'm so proud of you." This changes the approval from an outside source to an inside one.

Another thing parents can do to help their young children learn internal control is to offer them opportunities to control themselves. A specific example would be the use of a control room. Like time-outs, control rooms remove children from difficult situations so they can calm down and rethink their behaviors. However, unlike parent-mandated time-outs, the child decides when to go to the control room and how long to stay.

Implementing a control room doesn't take much effort. Simply discuss with your child the feelings associated with a loss of control, such as yelling or crying. Have your child tell you when she has felt this way or some of the other signals she gets when she's losing control. Let your child know that these feelings are completely normal and that we all lose control sometimes. Tell her that whenever she feels like she's about to lose it, she can go to her special place, get herself back into control and then rejoin the activities. Control rooms work well for grown-ups, too. They not only help diffuse tense situations, they let your child see that we all need to remove ourselves sometimes.

2. Give children responsibilities.
"I believe self-discipline in children comes from self-responsibility," says Dr. Paul Krasner, a psychologist practicing in Cary, N.C. Encourage this sense of responsibility by giving children age-appropriate chores. Young children can have the job of wiping the table, picking up their toys or helping you feed the family pet. Having a "job" helps them feel better about themselves while encouraging them to think about others.

3. Let children make decisions.
Although children are unequipped to make all of the decisions in their lives, they should be encouraged to learn decision-making skills as early as possible. Young children can begin making choices as soon as they can communicate – either verbally or physically. "Choices offer a sense of power and control," explains Dr. Fletcher.

Let your child decide if he wants milk or juice with breakfast. Ask him if he wants to play peek-a-boo or pat-a-cake. As he gets older, offer him more opportunities to make decisions. However, be careful to limit the options to things that are acceptable to you.

For example, asking, "What do you want for breakfast?" offers too many choices and may result in an unacceptable answer, such as ice cream. A better alternative is to present two or three choices by saying something like, "Would you like cereal or scrambled eggs?" Be sure to only offer choices with which you are willing and able to follow through.

In addition to offering choices to your child, it is also necessary to hold children accountable for their decisions. If your child chooses milk to drink and then changes his mind after the milk has been poured, let him know that his initial decision stands. Console him by telling him he may have juice for lunch or for breakfast tomorrow. However, if he changes his mind before the beverage is poured, be flexible. "Children need to learn both flexibility and accountability," adds Dr. Fletcher.

Another important step to take when discussing choices with your child is to explain that all decisions have consequences. Sometimes those consequences are good; sometimes they're not. "Help your child understand that when he chooses one thing, he is giving up something else," explains Deborah Philips, M.S., a parent coach who helps individuals find their own best parenting answers. Helping your child understand what choices mean will help him exercise self-discipline by encouraging him to think about what is most important.

4. Let children make mistakes.
All people, young and old alike, learn from their mistakes. Don't deny your children this opportunity. If your child makes a poor choice, instead of stepping in to resolve the issue, discuss with her how she can make it right. "Having the child determine what to do to make it right offers a sense of ethics rather than a forced power," explains Dr. Fletcher. For example, if your 2-year-old grabs a toy out of another child's hand, don't reinforce the behavior by pulling it out of her hand. Instead, explain that it was an inappropriate behavior, and ask her what she should do to make it right. She will most likely decide to do the right thing, and she will have learned a valuable lesson.

5. Be compassionate.
Phillips, founder of www.coachparenting.com, encourages parents to "be compassionate and understanding of how difficult self-discipline can be." Acknowledge the feelings of sadness, anger or disappointment that sometimes come as a result of making the right choice. Let your child know when you experience those feelings, too.

Although only the child himself can control his self-discipline, using these suggestions will get him headed in the right direction.