Parenting: Toddlers

If it hasn't happened already, it soon will: Your toddler or preschooler will have to step into the spotlight. Whether it's at one of the pageants or plays common during the holiday season, a recital or a wedding, kid performances are in demand. After all, they are adorable.

But they're also unpredictable! You never know what kids this age are going to do, says Peggy Buffington, an assistant professor of family and consumer sciences at the University of Louisiana at Monroe. Buffington's own daughter, now grown, was 4 years old when she had her first dance recital. "We have it on videotape," says Buffington. "She stood and faced away from the audience with her arms folded, and every now and then she would bend over so that everybody could see her behind – and that was our entire recital! She had just decided she was not going to do it. We look back on it now and laugh."

Behaving Badly?
Sheila Cranford's son was 3 when he took part in a preschool performance. "He went out [on stage] and stood there, hardly sung, picked his nose and put his hands in his pants," says Cranford of Denton, N.C. "We were mortified, but I think he was just afraid."

It's completely normal for kids to behave unpredictably in these situations. One issue with toddler "stage fright" is that plays and pageants aren't really developmentally appropriate, says Buffington.

Toddlers and preschoolers have trouble standing and waiting, and following complex directions is still a bit of a problem. Their natural egocentrism can complicate things even more. "You have the child who, at home, has always been told she's the princess," says Buffington. "Then she gets to the play and she's the tree or the frog. And it's upsetting, because she really can't understand."

And when you consider many adults can't handle getting up in front of a crowd, it is amazing little ones can do it at all. Laura Nickelson remembers her daughter's first dance recital held at a large events complex. "She was fine at class or even at the auditorium in the room where the practices were held," says Nickelson of Monroe, La. "But on dress rehearsal day, when they had all the dancers in their costumes and had the spotlights on, she was terrified, freaking out. It would have been intimidating for anyone, let alone a 4-year-old."

Nickelson's daughter ended up performing beautifully – after being promised she could have her pick of anything in the toy store! "I know, that was horrible," says Nickelson, laughing. "Of course, it would have been fine if she hadn't danced. [But she] was so cute, I just really wanted her to get onstage and do her thing."

Helping Your Little Star
According to Buffington, perhaps the best way to help your toddler or preschooler prepare for an event is to be positive – emphasize the fun! Talk about how much they are going to enjoy whatever it is they'll be doing.

However, be careful not to overdo it. Don't offer a lot of direction, says Buffington, who is also a former kindergarten teacher. If you spend a lot of time telling your child that she needs to smile, she needs to stand up straight or she needs to remember her lines, she may become frustrated or even scared.

"Also, I think parents sometimes have a tendency to talk something to death," says Buffington. "If you are making too much fuss over the performance, your child could start to feel that something must be wrong, if you're that concerned about it. I'd say be calm, take it easy and just tell them to enjoy themselves – if you have to tell them anything."

In addition, don't forget the normal things. Try to plan a relaxed day around the event, as rushing around at the last minute wears on everyone's nerves. Make sure your little one is well fed and has had plenty of rest the night before (and a good nap on the day of the performance, if she still naps). And don't forget that moms, dads and grandparents are also much less cranky when they've had a good night's sleep and a good meal.

Sitting This One Out
If your child does refuse to go on, you should stay calm, understand it is either frustration, fear or stress causing the problem, then allow the child to sit out, says Buffington. "I know that's hard to do, when you've paid a lot of money for a costume or gone to a great deal of trouble or have family members who have come in from out of town to see your child perform," says Buffington. "But sometimes, that's really what you need to do."

Realize you still have plenty of years to see your little star shine. Plays and pageants will be easier – and more developmentally appropriate – as your child grows. "[Performing] can wait until the child is in elementary school and has the ability to understand what it is he's doing and why he's doing it," says Buffington.

Cranford's son was 5 years old and her daughter was 3 when they were asked to be in her cousin's wedding. "My son was the ring bearer but refused to go down the aisle," says Cranford. Cranford's daughter didn't want to go down the aisle without her big brother and ended up walking hand in hand with the maid-of-honor.

Only two years later, another cousin got married and Cranford's children were again asked to participate in the ceremony. Both did wonderfully. "My daughter got a little frightened at the end, [but] I told her that if she would just walk down the aisle and drop the petals, she could come and sit with me," says Cranford. As soon as the wedding party got to the front of the church, they began a prayer and Cranford stood up and beckoned to her daughter. "She [was able to run] back to me and most people didn't even notice," she says. "She was very proud of herself, and I was proud of her."