Parenting: Toddlers

"Beware of the terrible 2-and-a-halves," says Kimberly Scherrer. "Turning 2 wasn’t nearly as bad as going on 3." As the mother of three boys under 4 years old, Scherrer has encountered more tantrums than she cares to recount.

Sometime between their second and third birthdays children appear to undergo a dramatic emotional transformation. While they have greater control over their bodies and continue to develop their speech, they also acquire a stubborn sense of independence. Your child is now acutely aware of the power of his voice and actions. At unpredictable moments, his actions seem as though he is on a quest to control his surroundings.

The child that once seemed to be easygoing now cries because he can’t have another ice cream sandwich or when it’s time to leave the park. Toddlers navigating their way through the same stages as Scherrer’s young boys can be obstinate, independent and extremely expressive. At this stage, they are learning how to convey their opinions and feelings and often find they are not in control of their emotions.

You’re not alone if this surprising change in behavior and personality leaves you questioning what happened to your baby. Many parents find themselves wondering how to approach this stage in their child’s life. "When my oldest had his first tantrum, it caught me off guard because there was no way to prepare for when and how it would be demonstrated," says Scherrer. Although it can be trying, this phase in your child’s life is one of important development.

There are a few easily implemented steps to effectively cope with the emotional outbursts that contribute to this often-turbulent phase of your child’s life. Understanding why your little one has tantrums, and knowing that despite the best parenting practices he will still demonstrate his feelings, will also help guide you through this early stage of development.

Kids Love an Audience
All parents know the rush of horror when their toddler chooses a public forum to assert herself. When her daughter was nearly 3 years old, Deborah Sebastian, a single mom living in Kew Gardens, N.Y., learned that restaurants and grocery stores are often a toddler’s favorite places to show her temper. "She sat down right in the middle of the aisle and began crying because she couldn’t open a package of cookies," says Sebastian. "I was mortified."

For parents it seems as though our children have no idea we feel helpless in a crowd of strangers. What is surprising is that, in reality, they are more aware than we realize. Children sense the change in their surroundings and use this as an opportunity to demonstrate their spirit. The unfamiliar arena of the grocery store offers a new chance to test the limits of your patience and their bargaining skills.

All parents share the myriad of emotions that Sebastian felt the first time her child threw herself on the floor of the store in disappointment over a box of cookies. "Don’t despair at your child’s unusual and uncharacteristic actions," says Meredith O’Toole, M.S.W., of Naperville, Ill. "The tantrum is not a reflection of your parental proficiency but a reaction to their awareness of powerful emotions such as anger, jealousy and disappointment."

Although it may seem tough to remember in the middle of a tantrum, this is an exertion of your child’s independent development. Young children use their whole bodies to demonstrate their emotions. "Your child is learning valuable lessons of disappointment, consequences for her actions and how to express emotions," says O’Toole. "She’s not yet equipped to process mature emotions and expresses herself in the only way she knows."

A 2 1/2-year-old is shattered by leaving the park before she’s ready. It seems unreasonable to her that if she wants something she may not be able to immediately attain it. As they process their feelings, toddlers demonstrate their powerful emotions in a manner that comes very naturally to them. They will cry, shout and use their body language to convey precisely how they feel.

Showing Off for Friends
Rich Mardock, M.S.W., of Skaneateles, N.Y., comforts parents by reminding them that many kids have emotional outbursts in social settings. This occurs because at this age, it is difficult for them to maintain control over their feelings for extended periods of time. Children have frequent meltdowns when playing with other children for a few reasons. "They either become extremely frustrated with a situation, they want to completely control the situation or they are trying to demonstrate their superiority to their peers," says Mardock.

After kids have been playing together for a while, they become comfortable with each other. They are more likely to take a toy away, refuse to share or dislike the actions of their playmate. Their playmate’s reaction to a toy being taken away or refusal to share then sparks a frustration tantrum.

Mardock teaches parents that there are some instant measures to regain control of your upset child that are easy to implement. "Removing him from the direct situation creates a diversion and gives the tantrum time to subside," says Mardock. "He will have a few minutes to regain his composure and you can discuss what caused the behavior." Additionally, when he is in public or with friends and launches into a tirade, temporarily excuse yourselves from the environment. Step outside with your child if you’re playing at a friend’s house. If you’re at home, take your child to a quiet part of the house to collect himself.

The next time you visit the store, you will know there is the potential for a scene and can be armed to prevent a tantrum. Bringing items that will create a diversion often helps avoid a scene and gives parents peace of mind. "Offering your child a second choice to their requests eases them and can prevent a scene," says Mardock.

Learning how to use their words instead of their entire body is the first step. When her toddler starts demonstrating obstinate behavior, Mary Sobieski of Olathe, Kan., encourages him to tell her what is wrong using his "grownup" words instead of crying. "I would try to help him find the words that described his emotions instead of him crying to express how he felt," says the mom of three.

Keeping your cool while he's losing his is another positive example to model for your child. Help him identify the root of his distress and to verbalize it to you. "I would explain that it was easier for me to help him through what was troubling him if he would talk to me calmly," says Sobieski.

Although it is a natural progression to tantrum, children must learn to control their emotions and how to properly express themselves. Knowing what motivates their behavior will help you guide them through this segment in their development and onto more constructive forms of communication.

Experts like O’Toole and Mardock agree that with your support, your child will learn that while you encourage her expression, she must choose appropriate actions. She will also realize she is not able to control and manipulate situations with her outbursts. With patience and understanding of what emotions your child is learning to handle, you’ll be prepared to address this stage in her life.