Parenting: Toddlers

Among the world's most active explorers, toddlers are bound to be curious when they discover their genitals and notice sex differences in others.

Experts claim that a parent's response to this curiosity lays a foundation for healthy sexual attitudes later on. As with everything else, how you interact with your child on this issue has influence for years to come.

"There's so much you find yourself dealing with as it happens," says elementary teacher LaRae Johnson Davis of Gloucester, Mass., mother of three sons. "For us, it's important to be relaxed, honest, use correct terms and respond in as natural a way as possible -- whether answering questions or intercepting the baby who's about to tug on his brother in the bathtub."

Getting to Know Me
Toddlers touch their genitals because it feels good and because they're discovering what's there and how it works, says counselor Joan Haskell, LCSW, of Merrimack, N.H. "It's normal, part of how they begin to differentiate and notice things about themselves and others," she says.

Children are sexual beings from birth. They learn about relating and pleasurable experiences as they are cuddled and cared for, Haskell says. Toddlerhood is when basic attitudes about sexuality are formed as children notice how their bodies feel, how others touch them, how family members relate to each other and refer to body parts and what behavior seems acceptable.

This is also when they become aware of themselves as girls or boys and are likely to point out sex differences and copy adult behavior associated with gender in an effort to be like Mommy or Daddy, Haskell says.

A Parent's Response
Parents can respond to a toddler's genital play in a variety of ways. Some ignore or minimize it, recognizing that a child will understand more about modesty later on. Others may acknowledge that this feels good and point out that it's also something to be done in private. Still others might choose to redirect a toddler's attention to another activity.

Parents need to respond in a way that's comfortable for them and age-appropriate for the child, says Haskell, while bearing in mind that a message that such exploration is "bad" can create confused feelings about genital pleasure in the future. Parents who feel uncertain about how to respond can also talk with a pediatrician or other informed source. "I found the group of nursing mothers I met with very helpful for discussing these kinds of things," Haskell says.

Another reason children touch themselves is for physical and emotional comfort, with self-stimulation often occurring when a toddler is tired or going to sleep, says Keyvan Geula, a marriage, family and child therapist in private practice in Pomona, Calif.

"This is the opportune time for parents to respond to the emotional and spiritual needs of their child and build a foundation for future healthy relationships," Geula says. "We can acknowledge that touching feels good, just as hugging or sucking fingers does, especially for toddlers, who experience much of their world through their bodies. It is helpful to ask, 'Are you tired honey? Would you like Mommy to rub your back?' This approach helps the toddler internalize the important relationship education that loving touch is physically, emotionally and spiritually nurturing and pleasurable. And also that being touched by a trusted and caring person is a richer experience than self-touch."

Occasionally, toddlers masturbate excessively, which may indicate stress in some area of their life. Control of body sensations may be used to compensate for lack of control in toilet training or eating patterns. "Such self-stimulation may also occur because adults aren't responding to a child's activity as normal," says Haskell. "He learns to get attention this way." Praising the child's progress in other areas and responding to genital play in a low-key way may help.

Maximizing "Teachable Moments"
Many parts of a toddler's day are tailor-made for learning about bodies and sex differences. Children with siblings of the opposite sex often have opportunities to notice differences. Toilet training and diapering naturally draw a toddler's focus to the genital area. Dressing and bathing are times when parents can help little ones learn.

They need to feel good about their whole body, so casually referring to genitals as another legitimate body part is important, Geula says. "Make a list of body parts, using correct names, and say them as your child finds them," he says. "Cartoon-like, age-appropriate picture books on human sexuality can also be a good tool for talking about the similarities and differences between males and females."

The best teachable moments are never forced, but happen when Parent and Child are enjoying each other's company in a relaxed atmosphere. "An informal, loving chat in the car is more effective than a tense, rushed parent trying to make bath time a learning experience," Geula says. "Children are also affected by the way adults react to their questions, which for toddlers, may be less verbal than shown in our facial expressions, tone of voice or body language."

"We try to give enough information and good attention for them to feel secure their question's been addressed, and that we love them, without telling more than they're really looking to know," Johnson Davis says.

Privacy Calling
Ultimately, parents need to introduce concepts of modesty and privacy, though at this stage, introducing is about the most they can do, says Haskell.

"Don't become so anxious about the child's sexual explorations that you forget this is also a chance to teach about character, values and conduct such as personal dignity and awareness of others' comfort," Geula says. "We can say, 'There are things people like to do together, like eat and laugh and play, and there are things we do in private, like use the bathroom, pick our nose or touch our penis.' Explain that other people feel more comfortable when we respect social norms."

As with most behavior, children take cues about modesty from watching adults, Haskell says. "It's fairly obvious when a child's uncomfortable about something, and important to notice when you aren't comfortable, too," she says.

"I realized it was time for me to stop taking baths with my son, as well as address his questions, when he began to actually ask me why I looked different than he did," Johnson Davis says.

As your toddler explores sexuality, being positive and matter-of-fact, keeping things simple and looking to what you model yourself may be your best response. According to Haskell, teaching your child with love begins a healthy self-exploration that will last a lifetime.