Parenting: Toddlers

Aggression in our children may not seem like a serious problem, at first, depending on how aggressive a child is. Some parents feel that squabbling and push/shove matches are normal as children try to assert themselves and their identities. But when does aggressive behavior become a problem? When also is it important to redirect that aggression?

“Aggressive behavior involves physical or verbal assault on another person in a way that harms them or otherwise puts them in a condition of threat,” says Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J., and author of Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers: Guiding the Way for Compassionate, Committed, Courageous Adults (Three Rivers Press, 2002) and Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: How to Raise a Self-Disciplined, Responsible, Socially Skilled Child (Three Rivers Press, 2000).

What Should Parents Do?
“We live in a very violent society, in that images of violence are portrayed to our children at all times," says Elias. "And even many situation comedies use verbal aggression and put downs as a source of laughs. So I think parents need to take a hard line about violence and aggressive behavior.”

Sometimes it might be difficult to identify whether the child is being aggressive simply to be aggressive or their reactions are being “triggered” by other events. In Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, Elias provides parents with a “Trouble Tracker” so they can keep track of the situations that lead their children toward aggressive behavior.

“It's a matter of looking for patterns,” says Elias. “[With the Trouble Tracker] parents can see the patterns more clearly and develop strategies to help their children handle the situation more effectively. The Trouble Tracker also helps parents see when their own reactions to their children are unproductive and need to be changed. Often, parents learn that there are certain situations that their kids need to avoid or learn early warning signs that can help children take action before they get set off.”

The Trouble Tracker in a simple form will also help children understand the situations that set off their anger, and this in turn may help them to develop strategies for coping. Keeping a chart, log or diary of violent or aggressive incidents is often useful in reducing the behavior by helping kids see patterns. Parents also need to talk to kids about this: "What can you do when you find yourself getting angry? What can help keep you from losing your cool?"

For some kids, taking a couple of deep breaths works; for others, closing their eyes works; for others, humming a certain song works; some kids just learn to walk to a neutral place. Some families arrange signals to let each other know when they are starting to lose their cool. And of course, parents also can develop some strategies for what to do when they find themselves getting angry. As noted earlier, helping children compensate for their anger is a positive preventive strategy. Also useful is giving kids a chance to engage in acts of kindness to others. This helps build empathy. “Find situations for your child to be helpful to others and they will find that the rewards and good feelings that accompany those behaviors are a lot more fulfilling than aggression,” says Elias.

Teaching kindness and compassion starts in the home. It may be as simple as saying “gentle” to a child when they are trying to pat a cheek or pet an animal. Children are the least aware of their own strength and the consequences of overexerting that strength. Little reminders, constant praise and keeping it simple are first steps in any parent’s repertoire.

Older Children and Consistency
As children age and go through new experiences, primarily those outside the control of the parent (i.e. school, peers, etc.), these methods continue to be effective as tools for coping with their anger.

“However, parents should work with organizations such as the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning, Educators for Social Responsibility and the Character Education Partnership to help their schools develop programs to reduce aggressive behavior," says Elias. "Many such programs exist and are important in bringing home and school together in an anti-violence message that kids need to hear strongly and consistently. “Consistency is important for internalization, so that kids will not be likely to turn to violence when adults are not around."

Some parents use sports or other physical outlets for the anger. A physical outlet for aggression is sometimes a good way to keep emotionally charged kids from bubbling over. “Kids do benefit from these things, but much depends on the context,” says Elias. “If the soccer team is a source of frustration and humiliation, kicking a soccer ball will not be too helpful a release. But if the soccer team is a source of cooperation and teamwork and positive skill development, it will indeed help to reduce aggressive behavior. Ultimately, releasing anger is good, but much more important is addressing the conditions that are generating the anger in the first place. For a lot of kids, it is being bullied, abused, belittled, verbally put down and unappreciated or excluded that generate the most anger. Changing these circumstances is the best long-term solution.”

The responsibility falls to the parents to keep the lines of communication open as well as to watch for patterns of behavior. Identifying the sources of frustration that may lead to aggressive behavior is a first step. Together, parents and children can build positive responses to troubling situations before aggression degenerates into violence.

Advice for Parents Make it clear you do not approve and don’t consider any kind of aggression toward peers or bullying to be "fun" or "cute" or "funny." Have clear, non-violent consequences for such actions that include restrictions on being with peers, apology to victims and restitution that goes beyond whatever it is your child did, said or damaged. Improve supervision of your child's activities, companions and whereabouts. Set clear rules for curfews. Communicate often with the school to see how your child is doing in changing his or her behavior to become less aggressive. Talk to other parents about the same thing. Praise efforts your child makes toward less aggressive and more responsible behavior, as well as for following home and school rules. Reduce or eliminate your child’s viewing of aggressive, violent television shows and video games, especially by him or herself. Modeling appropriate behavior yourself is an important influence on children becoming less aggressive. Do it less, and you may find they will to.