Parenting: Pregnancy

There's nothing like the excitement of bringing a new baby home – unless of course you're greeted at the door by one very unamused 2-year-old screaming to take that "thing" back from whence it came.

A new baby changes the family lifestyle, which can be daunting for young children. To ease this transition, you need to prepare everyone – including big brothers and sisters – for the change that's about to take place.

Preparing for the Big Event
Depending on the age of your child, Betsy Brown Braun advises parents not to break the news of the pregnancy a full nine months out. "Nine months is a very long time to a young child – way too far away for a child to anticipate," says the child development specialist, founder of Parenting Pathways Inc. and mother of triplets. "When Mom begins obviously to show or when the child notices, then it's time to break the news."

Stacy DeBroff, author of The Mom Book (Free Press, 2002) and founder of Mom Central, agrees. "Give the child a time frame he or she can understand for when the baby will arrive, such as right after your birthday, around Christmas time or just before nursery school ends for the summer," she says.

Explaining the process may prove a little trickier. Braun says that for the very young, you may try to describe the event this way: "Mommy is growing a baby in a special place in my body called the uterus. The uterus is right next to my tummy, so it looks like it is in my tummy. But only food goes in a tummy! The baby will grow in my uterus for nine months, until it is ready to be born. Then you will have a baby brother or sister."

According to Braun, when it comes to explaining your pregnancy to your toddler, less is more. "Wait for the child's questions in order to determine how much he or she understands," she says.

DeBroff advises outlining expectations of what will come with a new baby. "Explain that for the first few months, the baby will do little more than eat, sleep and cry," she says. "Take the child on a brief tour of the hospital where you'll deliver. Explain all the details of who will look after him or her and where he or she will stay while you're in the hospital."

While all children will have a hard time with this major life change, Braun notes that it could be more difficult for those who have not yet learned how to speak. "The child has no idea what's coming," she says. "Remember, he or she has been the center of the universe for the first two years [without the new baby]."

To ease any fears, DeBroff recommends telling the child the story of his or her birth and reading books or watching videos about becoming a big sister or brother. You can even get personalized books complete with your child's and baby's name. The colorful book We're Having a Baby: A Welcome Baby Kit for the Whole Family (Element Books, 1998) explains the changes headed your child's way. Another idea is to have the child help decorate the newborn's room, letting everyone share in the excitement of the upcoming event.

"But if you plan to use your older child's crib for the new baby, get him or her into the new bed long before the baby comes," DeBroff says. "Remove the crib from the room for a while so when you return it for your new baby, your older child won't think of it as his or her crib. Buy new bedding and bumpers for your baby so your child doesn't feel like she's turning over her entire bed to a newcomer."

Both DeBroff and Braun are adamant about the importance of sticking to the child's routine in the weeks prior and, if possible, in the weeks following the baby's arrival. "School, activities, bedtime routines – all that needs to be the same, as that will contribute to the child's feeling comfortable and safe," Braun says. "Same old Mommy and Daddy, same old house rules, same old routines, new baby."

"Make major changes such as toilet training or giving up a pacifier or bottle at least a few months before you expect to give birth, and expect backsliding once the baby comes," adds DeBroff.

In the meantime, introduce your little one to a friend's or relative's baby before the birth so she can grow accustomed to having her own baby sibling around. In addition, DeBroff advises that parents begin arranging time for the child to spend alone with grandparents and caregivers so it won't be a shock when they tend to his or her needs while you care for the new baby.

The Big Introduction and Beyond
According to Braun, it's very important to have a plan for the actual birth. And as always, communication is key. She suggests saying the following to your toddler: "Mommy has gone to the hospital where the doctor will help the baby come out. Daddy will come home and bring you to see Mommy at the hospital. You'll get to meet the new baby, too."

She advises bringing a camera to the hospital and providing the curious youngster with a picture of Mom alone (not holding the baby) and a separate picture of the new baby. This way the proud older brother or sister can have pictures to show off, says Braun. "When Dad takes the child to the hospital, phone ahead as you approach to make sure the baby is not in Mom's arms when the new sibling arrives," she says. "Remember, the child is happiest to see Mommy and not the new baby. Mom is big brother or big sister's property!"

While some believe it's a good idea to give a gift to the older child when the new baby arrives, Braun admits she's not among them. "I think there's enough going on, and the child will be plenty happy to see Mom," she says. "Gifts just muck it up and take the emphasis [away] from the obvious."

Instead, stick to plenty of communication and attention, Braun suggests. "When an infant has been crying a lot, a Mommy or Daddy who says, 'Boy, baby brothers sure are noisy,' lets the child know he or she is not alone in his or her feelings," she says. "A sibling can't be forced to accept or love the new baby. He or she will, however, get used to the baby. It's a big change and takes time."

Braun finds that limiting the number of visitors also can be helpful. "Give the child a chance to get used to the newness and of not having Mom and Dad solely to themselves," she says.

But one of the biggest difficulties usually erupts around feeding time. "The littlest children have the hardest time when Mommy nurses or feeds, as Mommy belongs to her or him [the new baby], on command," Braun says. "To combat this, my best idea is a nursing box. It's filled with a few special things to keep the child busy while Mom nurses. It can be filled with a new book, a Magna Doodle [sketching toy], a neat car or truck, a bag full of tiny dinosaurs, etc. The child gets to play with the things in the box only when Mom is feeding the baby. When she's done, the box goes away. Every week or so, the contents can be changed a bit. Doing so makes nursing a whole lot easier."

Sibling Responsibilities
In a world full of apparent drawbacks, little ones may wonder: What's the use of a new baby? That's where the benefits of being the older child come into play. Since the child is now the "big" brother or sister, DeBroff suggests giving the child new privilege, such as a later bedtime or extended playtime hours.

Braun agrees, saying the child can be included in a number of tasks. Ask the child: Can you pick out a shirt for the baby to wear? Will you hand me a diaper? Can you help me wash the baby?

"If the child and the baby don't share a room, tell your older child that his or her room will be off limits to the baby, and ask him or her to keep toys with small parts there," DeBroff advises. "Offer to get a gate to keep Baby out. This way your child doesn't have to keep the door closed all the time and feel isolated in the process."

In addition, always let the child know what the plan is, says Braun. "Try saying: 'Here's the plan. I'm going to feed and change the baby, and then you and I are going to play with your Legos [or other toy]. Do you want to go get them ready for us?' Doing so helps the child to feel a little more in control," she says.

"Whatever you do, don't blame the baby for big changes that disrupt your older child's life," DeBroff says. "If you can't go outside because of the baby's naptime, or if your child has to stay quiet because the baby is sleeping, don't always point out that it's the baby's fault. By doing so, you risk giving your child reasons to resent the newborn."

Instead, both Braun and DeBroff say it's important for the child to overhear parents praising what a great older sibling he or she is. This sense of pride will grow, and the child will continue to try to be the best big brother or sister possible.