Parenting: Preconception
Are you considering planning a pregnancy with a friend? Are you uncertain as to what to expect? There are pros and cons to consider in sharing this very personal experience.
The Pros
Barb Hall of British Columbia, Canada, planned a pregnancy with a close friend and co-worker. Both couples were considering starting families, but employment was an issue.
"Jeanette and I started going to the gym at lunch hours, riding the stationary bikes and debating whether or not we should have kids," says Hall. "We convinced ourselves that [starting a family at this time] would be a good thing ... only we weren't sure whether or not we wanted to totally get out of the work scene. A plan was hatched that we would try and get pregnant on or about the same time so we could propose job-sharing after maternity leave."
The reality of employment and job-sharing is one reason why two women might want to try to get pregnant at the same time. For some women, the support they receive from another person going through the exact same process is simply exciting.
"A few years ago, I came up with this 'secret plan' that me and two of my co-workers (and very close friends), Sue and Audrey, would all become pregnant at the same time," says Lori McKenzie of Pennsylvania. "It wasn't really such a secret, because we joked about it all the time." McKenzie and her friends talked about the issue of getting pregnant together for almost a year before it actually happened. They discussed how their boss would react to them all being off at the same time, periods and ovulation dates, and "how neat [it would be] to have children exactly the same age who may one day be as good of friends as we are."
Why would women try and become pregnant at the same time? For the most part, these women are already considering pregnancy. Having someone around who is wanting the same thing is simply encouraging. The camaraderie of this shared experience creates a bond between these women that is not easily severed.
"We all became pregnant within a month of each other and had a great time at work sharing our miseries and pigging out on morning pretzels and Diet Coke to keep us awake from not having slept due to stomachs the size of Michigan," says McKenzie. The trio went on to have their sonograms done right around the same time, shared the common details of developing babies and commiserated about aches, pains, nausea and moodiness throughout the ensuing nine months.
The Cons
But what happens when one woman becomes pregnant and the other doesn't? "We were constantly monitoring symptoms and getting excited, only to be disappointed a few times," says Hall. "I became pregnant first and there was a little anxiety on both sides until Jeanette became pregnant three months later. We started thinking our plan may not work!"
You also need to be realistic about what works and what doesn't work for you and your friend. "A friend and I are both trying to conceive," says Jenny Blair* of Ontario, Canada. "I have found that to be difficult, because there is a feeling of competition to see who gets pregnant first. Also, I find that we don't want to share the intimate details of trying to conceive, because one may take offense to it."
There are boundaries that good friends need to be careful not to overstep. "I wouldn't want her sharing my sex life with her husband, who is a friend of my husband," says Blair.
Feelings of competition, jealousy and emotional overload can actually take the fun out of the process. "There could potentially be a lot of hurt feelings and tension between the two or three of you," says McKenzie. "I think your friendship needs to be a strong and understanding one before planning something such as this." It's important to discuss these feelings with your friend to prevent problems. After all, you probably began this process together because you hoped to feel comforted and wanted to share your experience with someone who understood.
"Being able to talk about issues provides a sense of comfort, relief and normalization," says Dr. Carla Natalucci-Hall, a registered psychologist in New York. "It's important to realize that you're not the only one going through this experience." She adds that "a lot of time women feel isolated." Sharing the process or the journey is invaluable.
"This experience ... has been nothing but positive," says McKenzie. "I no longer work with [my friends], but I think the bond created during that time strengthened our relationships so much that no matter where we are, we will never lose touch."
*Name has been changed to protect privacy.
