Parenting: Preconception
Andrea Kahl of Long Island, N.Y., didn’t exactly give her husband an ultimatum, but she did put him on notice. For Donna Wade of Sacramento, Calif., it took a year of careful negotiation. Their common topic can make or break a marriage: "Let’s have a baby. It’s time. I’m ready." With both women, their spouses weren’t quite ready yet. Fortunately, the couples worked through the issue successfully, and you can too.
Now or Later
In Kahl’s case, the couple wanted children. They discussed it extensively before marriage. Andrea, however, wanted children fairly soon into the marriage. “I looked at my in-laws," she says. "They’re in their early 50s. Their son is established, and their youngest child is getting married – and they’re still so young. They have the time and energy to travel and enjoy their grandchildren. That’s where I want my family to be when I’m that age.”
Paul Kahl, on the other hand, wanted to proceed with his life in a more orderly fashion. Andrea says he wanted certain things established first, such as owning a house. Andrea believed having a baby didn't have to be so well planned. After seven months of marriage, she solved the problem by telling Paul that they were going to begin trying to conceive in a year. Then it seemed like babies were everywhere, she says. “Every time we turned on the TV, there seemed to be a movie about having a baby or commercials showing beautiful babies. It definitely stayed on his radar.”
By the time a year rolled around, Paul was ready, and Andrea was pregnant within two weeks. Their daughter is now 3 years old. When it was time to try for the second, Andrea didn’t have to do any convincing because of a life-changing event that happened when she was newly pregnant with their first child – September 11, 2001.
“I was working in Tower One when the plane hit,” Andrea says. “I got out, obviously, but it had a profound effect on my husband. When he realized that he could have lost everything that meant anything to him so quickly and so randomly, he became much less worried about doing things ‘right’ and just embraced family life. I can honestly say he’s the best father I know.” Their second child, a son, was born four months ago.
Conflict Resolution
The Kahls were lucky because although they didn't exactly agree on when, they did know they both wanted children. That wasn’t the case for Donna and Ken Wade. Married when Donna was 39 and Ken was 41, they hadn’t really discussed children before they married. Donna knew that Ken, who had been married before, didn’t want children and was so sure about his choice that he had gotten a vasectomy. Donna was equally sure that she did want children. But the only discussion they really had about it was when Ken proposed and she asked him if he would agree to have children. Ken assured her that he would have the vasectomy reversed, and that was good enough for Donna. Unfortunately, after they married, Ken didn’t remember saying that.
According to Donald T. Saposnek, Ph.D., a child psychologist and custody mediator, it’s not really unusual for couples to not discuss the important issue of children before they’re married. “A major reason why they don’t talk about children much anymore today follows a national trend that relationships are largely not about children anymore,” he says. “The media, and as a result our culture, have gotten away from the idea of child-centered relationships. Traditionally, relationships have been structured around children, but now they focus mainly on personal happiness.”
Furthermore, Saposnek says that the idea of planning for the future is one that has dwindled away to the point that people don’t really know how to make long-range plans. The trend toward families moving to different parts of the country has also taken away the social support that couples traditionally depended upon to carry on family practices.
To approach the subject of starting a family in a case where it hasn’t been discussed beforehand, Saposnek says that empathy toward the spouse is important. “The decision to have children is affected by the background of each of these people,” he says. “Often, when a partner doesn’t want children, it’s out of fear that they’ll be a poor parent because of something that occurred in their upbringing.”
Ken Wade’s fear that he wouldn’t be a good father led him to his decision to not have children. Donna knew he was wrestling with demons from his childhood and did approach him with a great deal of empathy. She began by bringing the subject up in neutral areas of the home – never the bedroom or dining room – and by being non-confrontational. She encouraged Ken to explore his reasons for not wanting children with her. She also took notes, and her book, I Want a Baby, He Doesn’t, will be published in the spring of 2005. When things got tense, she backed off and waited a week before bringing it up again. One thing she didn’t want to do was let it destroy their marriage.
And it can destroy marriages. In order to avoid that, Saposnek suggests an approach much like the one Donna Wade took: planned discussions in a non-confrontational way. He says it’s best to use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. For example, “I feel the need for a child. How do you feel?” Agreeing in advance that both parties will use “I” statements will eliminate about 80 percent of conflict, says Saposnek.
He also suggests approaching the subject with an eye toward the future. For example, ask your spouse where he sees you as a couple in 10 years. If the answer includes children, then it’s merely a matter of setting a date. If the answer does not include children, there needs to be further discussion with a finite resolution.
Stalemates
Ideally, your spouse will be willing to have this important discussion, share his feelings and try to come to a meeting of the minds. However, if he reacts with anger, Saposnek says to terminate the conversation. “If he says never, and says it angrily, it’s time to back off because it leads to more irrationality, and there’s no point in arguing,” he says. “Ironically and paradoxically, he’s going to be so angry he’s not going to want to get into bed with you anyway, so the point may be moot.”
Later on, try bringing the subject up again when he’s in a good mood. Perhaps just lightly mention that he did get angry before, but you would really like to just get an idea of his thoughts and feelings. Be supportive and non-threatening. If that doesn’t work, and you’re not willing to live your life without children, it’s time to see a marriage and family counselor that specializes in conflict resolution.
The right counselor matters, so do your homework. The Wades went to one that specialized in crises management and the therapist belittled their problem. Eventually, they worked it out on their own; Ken agreed to the idea of children and got a vasectomy reversal. Unfortunately, other infertility issues kept them from a successful pregnancy. But because of their work to resolve the conflict in a mature, caring way, their relationship is stronger than ever. Now married for 10 years, they live happily with a spoiled Dalmatian that is their “baby.”
Discussing the issue of children well before getting married is ideal. “If you have this discussion before you get married, you hopefully will never find yourself in this spot,” says Saposnek. But if you missed your window of opportunity, paying close attention to how you communicate your needs and desires can help you get the child you always dreamed of – or at the very least, a marriage where communication is cherished.
